The Yukimasa Essay: What Yukimasa Means to Me

otherwise known as "Yukimasa Aida: Fuck, Dude! He Sure Is a Guy!"

Characters like Yukimasa are incredibly important to me. Seeing characters with extremely stigmatized mental health issues shown in the media means the world to me, as someone with stigmatized mental health issues myself. Although some may look at these characters and say, "He's violent, what awful representation," personally, I cling to whatever representation I can get. Not everything that has to do with mental illness will be clean and easy to digest for those who do not suffer from severe mental health issues. Sometimes, the issues we face might be scary to those without. Despite this, seeing characters like Yukimasa in media makes me extremely happy, as they make me feel like I'm not alone out there. They make me want to focus on my own recovery, all while cheering for them to recover in their own way as well.

Yukimasa is a special case, as the whole of The House in Fata Morgana is about change. He acknowledges that there is something wrong with him. He doesn't want to be feeling the symptoms he feels. However, he knows he cannot fight them. Still, he prays that, in his next lifetime, he will be better at repressing them, so that he does not come to hurt those that he holds dear to him. That is incredibly admirable to me. Oftentimes characters who are, and I am using very impolite terms here, written to be "crazy", are not written in a way where they are given the luxury of hoping for growth. They are simply "the crazy one", and I am left to wonder how they would recover all by myself. They are not given the luxury of character growth, and are left to suffer. Yukimasa is different in that he is allowed the space to discuss recovery, and he is allowed to desperately want it. He is allowed to want peace, despite his mental health issues that cause him to be more violent and less empathetic. As someone who struggles with empathy a bit myself, that is another place I can relate, though I do not suffer from the exact same issues that Yukimasa faces, such as his more violent nature. In Reincarnation, he is finally allowed to have the peace he craves.

One thing about Yukimasa that stands out to me the most and that allows me to relate most of all is his psychotic symptoms. No, I am not talking about his violent impulses, which many who are not familiar with actual mental health terminology will refer to as "psychotic", but his actual psychotic and delusional symptoms. The thought that he is some sort of beast is present in Door 8, however this is not even close to the extent that he is affected by these thoughts in Door 2. The racism and xenophobia he is faced with causes him to internalize these thoughts, to the point where he genuinely does not see himself as a human being. Giselle, who is The Maid at the time, mentions that the shadowy creature that we see for the first part of door 2 is genuinely how Yukimasa views himself. While the White Haired Girl explains to him repeatedly that he is a human being, giving him reality check after reality check, in order to escape what he has done to Pauline and many others, he retreats into his delusions further as he realizes what is going on. In the beginning of the chapter, we can even see him slightly regain his humanity, recalling his memories as human for a brief second and genuinely seeing himself as one upon meeting another person who doesn't automatically refer to him as inhuman, though he quickly reverts back into "the beast" as his delusions get the better of him.  While, again, obviously I am not someone who has any interest in murder, as someone who is being medicated for a psychotic disorder myself, I sympathize with him. It is extremely rough to get caught in a delusion. I've been in delusions that have lasted months. It's scary. You don't know who you are. You don't know what's wrong with the world. It can be truly frightening. To have someone there that can help you means the world, but only if you allow them in. Thankfully, I have been medicated for my issues, and for the most part, they have fully gone away. This is why, the entirety of door 2, though I knew the story would end badly, I rooted for him. I wanted to see Yukimasa improve. I thought to myself "if I could get better, if I could find myself, if I could start over and be my real self, then so can Yukimasa." Fate is unfortunately not kind, as Yukimasa, between his dealings with the townsfolk who attacked the mansion and the White Haired Girl, Morgana's whispering in his mind, his severe mental illness, his amnesia, the shipwreck, and the racism and xenophobia he faced when he first arrived, succumbed to his urges and became "a true beast." 

Still, this has me wondering. If not for those things, could Yukimasa have changed for the better?  In Door 8, we see him a lot better off. He's easier to talk to. He is aware that Pauline has become a "tether" for him, grounding him to reality when his issues begin to flare up. He truly cares for her, though he can't give her back the same love she gives to him due to his aromanticism. Although his love is not a romantic love, it is still deep and meaningful to the both of them. Still, his tendency for violence and murder, his lack of empathy, and his general awkwardness around people is still there. It makes me wonder, how easy would it be to control his impulses? Surely, in a more modern day setting, he would be able to receive some sort of medication for his issues, as well as therapy. However, he is not the most open man, preferring to hide his true nature from those he cares for. If Pauline were to find out he was in therapy, how would she react? What would she do?

In the epilogue, Yukimasa is faced with the difficulty of wanting to kill, but being loyal to his vow not to. Instead, he picks fights with those he believes won't be missed on the streets, in an attempt to feel some sort of fulfilment. Yukimasa, despite his loyalty and love for Pauline, who keeps him calm, desperately wants to murder her. He attempts to do this in the story, which is where one would expect for things to take a turn for the worst. Pauline struggles with what she learns about Yukimasa, wanting to hate him, but is unable to do so. She then embraces him, acknowledging how hard it must be that "[Yukimasa's] mind is made a little differently than others'." "It's miserable," "It's suffocating," she says. Despite his actions, as well as him not loving her in a romantic sense, Pauline makes it clear that she cares about him and his mental health struggles. She does not demonize him for the way his brain works, but instead feels bad for the struggles he has faced until that moment. She alone wants to be on his side. For Yukimasa to have someone who cares about him so much, who supports him when he is at his lowest, is incredibly important. For mentally ill people, having a good support system means the world. While Yukimasa may want to be alone, as that way he won't hurt those close to him, having support helps. while the two of them don't make any decision to look into therapy for yukimasa, likely both in part due to his past crimes and him being averse towards anyone finding out about his true self, it could be assumed that Pauline would support him in getting help. She seems to be a true ally. Though their relationship is not necessarily romantic, as she had hoped, Pauline continues to support Yukimasa with all of her heart, as the two of them are the most important person to one another. 

Something else that stands out to me is Yukimasa's aromanticism. This is not an issue that is swept over, though you do not really find out about it until Door 8. Still, in Door 2, you can see that there was nothing romantic between him and the White Haired Girl. The two of them lived together and cared for one another deeply, but there was no romance involved. This is later revealed to hint at Yukimasa's aromanticism. His asexuality is also hinted at in Door 2, though it may also be a hint that he was already in a relationship with Pauline.  He is shown to have no interest in the White Haired Girl physically, and later mentions in Reincarnation that he has no interest in nudity. In Door 8, it is mentioned that murder is the only thing that excites Yukimasa in the way that romance excites others. When discussing his relationship with Pauline as the nun, he straight up explains that he cannot feel anything romantic. Summed up, Yukimasa is aromantic and asexual. However, this does not mean he does not feel any love whatsoever. While he does not love Pauline romantically, he is shown, in all lifetimes, to care about her above all else. He loves her with all of his heart, trying to appeal to her in any way he can so that the two of them can be happy together. Pauline shows this love back towards him as well, especially when she finds out about his true self in Reincarnation. The two of them support one another, even if misunderstandings and misfortune often follow the pair.

Mentally ill people are often prone to "masking". Yukimasa is shown to mask quite frequently, especially in Door 2 and Reincarnation. He tries to become the perfect man for Pauline to love, so that the two of them will always be together, allowing her to act as his tether and for the pair to live a peaceful and happy life. In Door 2, you can see Yukimasa change personality a bit, as commented on by Pauline, when he begins to act a lot more flirty around her, in order to please her. This is more explicitly shown in Reincarnation, where Yukimasa is told by Pauline that he shouldn't have to mask anymore. It can oftentimes be hard to fully let down your guard in front of another person, which just shows how incredible their relationship is. Yukimasa rids himself of his fake smiles, deciding to live with his true personality from now on. This is inspiring to me, as someone who masks quite frequently. Again, it is hard to be your true self around others, so seeing Yukimasa be able to drop the fake personality and just be himself is wonderful to see.

Yukimasa is not the first character that fills the particular niche of "mentally ill man who does controversial things" that I have liked. Really, the whole archetype is one that makes me happy to see in fiction, as problematic as that may sound. As mentioned previously, mental illness can be an ugly thing, especially when your symptoms and diagnoses are as stigmatized as characters of this archetype. Something that makes Yukimasa different, in my opinion, is fan reception to his character. In many cases, I am left defending my favourite characters of this archetype with all I've got, as the rest of the fandom sees their actions and refuse to think critically about their mental illness and how it affects them. They see these characters who are suffering from their mental health issues and, instead of wanting them to get better and change, wish violence and death on them. Even for characters who, ingame, have an arc where they are allowed to grow and change as characters, fans have clung to the fact that "this character has still done bad things!" and loathe them, refusing to allow them the luxury of growth. While I haven't really seen much in the way of serious discussion on Yukimasa like I'm writing here, for once, upon searching on websites like Twitter and Tumblr, I didn't see my search flooded with death threats. Sure, there was the occasional threat of violence, but it had nothing on what I had seen before. For the most part, people either acknowledged something was wrong with him, but wanted him to get help, or found his actions funny. Really, they are right, because many of his actions can feel quite absurd, especially due to his general awkwardness and blunt personality, so I don't even mind it. He's a funny guy. Seeing Yukimasa receive this kind of treatment changes so much for me. I was prepared to defend liking him wholeheartedly, as I do with a number of characters from his archetype, but I found I didn't even need to. He's accepted for who he is, and many people acknowledge that he needs help, rather than claiming the only way to fix him would be for him to die, which is a disgustingly ableist way to look at mental illness. This is really a step up from what I was used to. It was shocking. I went from people saying they wanted to murder one of my favourite characters that's an abused child in one visual novel fandom to seeing a character like Yukimasa, whose actions are far worse, simply... memed. He was treated like any normal character, and that makes me happy.

Yukimasa may not be the most popular FataMoru character, but he is by far the one that means the most to me. Maybe to some he is just a "silly murder man," but to me he means so much more. I'm glad a character like him was able to exist.