I don't want to be a system.

A lot of the people in my head don’t really worry about these things. It’s weird. There’s stress and dissociating, but they can just ignore it after a while and be really buddy-buddy with each other. Not me, though. Maybe it would be better if I had more “friends” besides Bea in my head. Even though I wouldn’t really consider her a friend. She’s nice and all, but it’s kind of weird to be friends with yourself, right? Because she’s technically me. And that’s weird. For a while a lot of them tried to help me, but things were rough when I started having problems, and unfortunately I had to take a backseat. But I don’t like being seen as a problem to be solved. Maybe they knew that, maybe they thought I was more trouble than it was worth, because I really don’t talk to anyone. And yeah, they’ve tried reaching out. I just don’t want them to. It feels forced, the whole friendship thing. Why do we have to be friends with each other? If I’m being totally real here… I hate them. I hate everyone here. Them existing has taken so much from me. Maybe they’re trying to make the best of a bad situation but I just… can’t do that. I really can’t. I don’t like being one member of a group. I don’t like disappearing for ages, not knowing when I’m going to show up next. I don’t like not having any actual friends, because I don’t have the time to meet people who don’t consider me just a part of some big group. I am my own person. But I’m not allowed to be. Because I have a stupid fucking disorder that causes me to black out and then show up weeks later all because “Hey, Yura, we have a presentation to get done at work and that triggers you to front.” I don’t have a life. Normal people have a life. They wake up every day as themselves, they remember things a normal amount, they have friends that know who they are and care about them, they don’t just get. Replaced.

I think the worst part is I don’t even know where else I can talk about this bullshit. People who don’t know shit about my disorder won’t have anything to say. If I talk about it in system places, people will get weirdly discoursey and I really don’t like thinking about that shit for my own mental health. Plus, people might get fucking. offended or whatever. Which is stupid because me saying I had having a disorder and I don’t get why anyone in the world would actively choose to have something like this happen to them isn’t me trying to invalidate people or fucking whatever but I have to say it. Because I can’t just be happy and joking around all of the time like so many of the community tries to force on people. SOmetimes things fucking suck! It fucking sucks! And I get it, people wanna hear about the fucking wins. The good things. Because nobody can be sad! Being sad means that you’re telling other people they should be sad, and that’s fucking I don’t know ableist or whatever. But actively making it so I can’t talk about how much I fucking hate my life does not help anyone. It’s suffocating. I already have nobody who gives a single shit about me as an individual without the fucking bullshit DID garbage other people in my damn head. Now I can’t even reach out for help. Because struggling makes other people sad. You have a mental illness but please CW mentions of your mental illness when you’re talking about anything other than playing games together or going out places while coconscious or silly arguments like “you ate my food!” because if you talk about wanting to be an actual person and not just a fragmented self who doesn’t get to exist that’s problematic and we’re gonna send you to fucking omegahell. And also we’re going to put words about intentions in your mouth when frankly I don’t give a fucking damn. I have more concerns than other people’s system shit. Like, you know, not being a single fucking person.

If anyone reads this, the takeaway here isn’t for you to say “No, you’re wrong, I like talking to you, Yura!” because that’s forced bullshit that I know for a fact is bullshit. I don’t want to force people to like me. That’s the whole problem. I don’t like forced kindness. It’s hollow. I want to be my own person. But I can’t because I have a stupid fucking disorder. And everything has to be about “the group.” Even if some people are stuck lagging behind and suffer as a result because they don’t want that.

Not like there’s anything I can do, though. If anyone invents some way to take my identity and mine only and put it into a functional human body where it’s the sole occupant and will never have any other occupants lmk