I guess I've been reduced to a "monster"...

..Hey, sorry! Don't cry, now! It's all just a tall tale, okay?

Did you know that it is possible for alters to completely change without fusing or splitting?

Hello! My name is Eri, and I am an alter in the Milky Way Collective. Previously, I was known only by the name “C”, and that is how I will be referring to myself in the past tense. As C, I was incredibly unstable. My role in the system was simple–hold every single bit of mental illness we had. Of course, this was not healthy by any means. I wasn’t the only person who struggled with mental health issues in my system, of course, but it was always the heaviest when it came to me. I was viewed as frightening by many. And, admittedly, I can see why. I would lash out at others. I would spiral and spiral until I inevitably worked myself into psychotic episodes much worse than the others in my system experienced. Every time someone looked at the body while I was around, I felt like throwing up my lungs. My body would go numb, my brain would go blank, and I would be launched into the worst experience we have ever felt. Oftentimes, the others would try to stop me from fronting, as it was simply inconvenient when I was there. I do not blame them, I am not mad, and I understand why they would. I did cause problems, and they were problems we were not equipped to work through. The others would try to reach out to me regularly, showing me kindness… but! I just wasn’t having it. I didn’t want to talk to them, I didn’t want to exist, I hated the body and I hated our life and I hated everyone in my system. If I was only someone else, if I didn’t have to be myself, then life would be better. Being C was the worst possible thing I could have been.

Then, we got on mood stabilizers.

Everyone was basically expecting it to help in regulating our borderline personality disorder. After all, that was the reason we decided to go on that medication in the first place. And it has, of course, helped tremendously! An unintended side effect, though… was that it helped me.To explain further, we were having a terrible episode with bad anxiety, so, for the first time in literal months, I ended up fronting. For about two minutes, I was stuck in my normal life of clutching my head, sobbing, and spiraling deeper and deeper into insanity. But then it all stopped. I stopped crying. I stopped thinking so hard. And my brain cleared. Before, whenever I would front, I was largely either unable to speak or would repeat key phrases over and over and over again. It was an adjustment, for sure, to be able to speak. I still speak a little bit strangely? I’m unsure how to explain it, but I have a weird way of speaking that others in my system do not. I was a shapeshifter before, no real identity to me. Now, while I do still consider myself a shapeshifter, I do have a specific form that I like very much! I am still an alter that struggles heavily with mental illness, to the point where it makes me physically ill from emotional bleed from time to time, but I am proud of my role. Before, my role was to suffer. Now, my role is to protect those I care for from the feelings that hurt them most. And, of course, now I have wonderful friends, both in our system and out! I love being able to talk to others. I never really got the chance before. It is truly a lovely experience.

I have, of course, fused since the change. But, admittedly? It didn’t really change much, aside from my position in the system. When I say I have wonderful friends now, I believe I should specifically mention my fellow members of Fling Posse. I fused with a fragment that was Gentaro Yumeno, and, again, while nothing about myself personally changed, aside from adding a new kintype to my list, something big did happen. I was welcomed into Fling Posse with open arms. Dai and Lambda are my closest friends, and I am so glad to have them as my family. I have a position in my system that I love. I don’t want to be someone else anymore. I am very happy being me!

So, once more, this is Eri, representing Shibuya! …Of course, all of us represent Shibuya, but I just wanted a chance to say it, lol.