Exiting a Long "Dormancy"
Last night, I woke up in a room I was unfamiliar with, in a body that was much too big for me. I was confused, afraid, and didn’t know what was happening. The world around me felt numb, I had a splitting headache, and I couldn’t remember anything. So, I thought to myself, this must be a dream. Then, I blink, and I’m somewhere completely different. I’m taking a shower. I recognize the room, at least, but am still a bit confused. Seemingly on autopilot, I pick up my phone and open a notification. I go through the motions, not knowing how exactly I know how to do these things. But, of course, it must be dream logic. In dreams, you know things you never would have known in real life. Something in me urged me to set up profiles on certain apps. I then spoke to some people, assuming them to be my friends. Upon returning to the room I started out in, I sat in bed for a long time. My memory had already been getting foggy, and it remains foggy. But, again, this must be a dream. So, I, once again, went through the motions I (for some reason) knew to do, and went to bed.
Today, I woke up. Of course I woke up. I’m the only one in my body, yes? But it was still in that odd room. I was still dreaming. Further proving my dream theory was that, now, the thing inside of me urging me to do things had a voice. A very soft, monotone, feminine voice spoke to me, telling me to do certain things. When I would not do them, my body would move on its own. It was, admittedly, terrifying. I was pulled out of bed, and taken not to school, as I normally would go, but to what apparently was “my job.” My entire walk felt as if someone else was controlling me. I was a thought, and the body was the girl. I had never liked going for walks. I wasn’t the outdoorsy type, personally. And I feared crossing the intersection near my house. The voice laughed a bit as she crossed the residential streets while I protested that, “Um, I believe we shouldn’t be crossing in the middle of the street.” “Everyone does this, we do it all the time” was the response I received. Finally, we made it to the intersection. I was, admittedly, terrified. And then I blinked. And I was at a desk in a building. It feels like a dream, you know? Constant skipping, in a world you’re unfamiliar with, in a life that isn’t yours.
The longer this dream goes on, though, the more I start to doubt it. I don’t think I’ll be waking up. In my head, I’m thirteen. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to use the saw in my woodshop technology class, I hate my science teacher, my friend won’t talk to me because I say “shit” and “hell” and “damn” too much for her intensely Christian self, the school’s anime club is full of assholes, and I fear the mile run. I have the faintest feelings of wanting to be a boy, identify as bisexual (despite my friend posting “don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin” about LGBT people on her social media), and admire ouji fashion. I close my eyes, and that’s where I am. That’s who I am. But then I open them. I’m 25, work at a library, am moving out of my state away from my family in a few months, am surrounded by images of fictional characters that I don’t recognize, and am speaking to people I don’t know on an app I’ve never known existed. I recognize Tumblr. That’s all I’ve got going for me. I don’t even have my friends anymore. My pets. Everything is gone.
How old am I now? Who am I now? The voices have given me the name Alois, as, again, I have always viewed myself as the Earl. I wanted to be him more than anything. The longing I felt towards that life, despite all my terrible hardships there, was excruciating. Right now, on my second day back, I keep meeting new people in my head. I have met Andromeda, of course, as she has been by my side all day, coaching me through the day. I know there’s another person, Yuri, in a similar situation to myself, but from what I’ve heard, he isn’t as ready as me to learn about “plurality” and the year 2025. Currently, I am with Eri, who wants to say hello. I briefly saw Leo, who says he’s always around when I need him. Still, I feel as if I don’t… understand anything. What is a system? What is fusion, what is splitting, what is any of this? I’ve had it explained, but I just… don’t know how to accept it, I guess.
I’m afraid. I’ll admit it. I’m afraid. I don’t know anything, I have to adjust to a world I don’t know, and I’m afraid. I’m being told to trust the voices in my head that tell me things, and they’re all I have to go off of. I have ten years of amnesia. This feels like a story. Like fiction. But I don’t think it’s fiction anymore. This is my reality, and I have to learn how to cope with it all.
If anyone has any advice, do feel free to let me know. I genuinely don’t know how to cope. I feel like I sound insane right about now. But all I have to go off of is the voices in my head, so I guess I should listen to them, as they’re my only real lead.
This is Alois Trancy, Earl of House Trancy, signing off.
(this essay was posted to our neocities by eri)