AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA sorry im schizophrenia

cw unreality bullshit cw tv glow spoilers cw im insane and self conscious about it please dont laugh i will cry

Sometimes you’ll think of something completely mundane. Everyone experiences this thing! Surely it can’t be alterhuman. Well… if you experience something mundane in a significant, non mundane way… who’s to say it can’t be alterhuman?

We’re Milk! A system who suffers from a myriad of mental health problems, one of which is schizophrenia. I’m saying this up front because, well, I want you to know before I say anything that what you read are the ramblings of someone who’s just a tiny bit disconnected from the concept of reality. Things that are real for me aren’t real to others. Things that are real to others aren’t real to me. Today, I’m going to talk about the former.

So! Dreams. Everyone has them. Some look at dreams as if they’re something that analyzes your life, telling you a bit about your internal feelings. There’s symbolism, and it means something about your feelings about life! Others, however, will look at dreams as if they mean nothing. Dreams are just your brain digesting the information you’ve taken in that day, and it forms a, probably incoherent, storyline. For me, though, I don’t experience either of these things. I think dreams are real. Or, at least, my own dreams are very real. Do they have a significant impact on this universe? No, not really. They are entirely separate, at least, to my knowledge. But… I think my dreams are real. I feel real, genuine, emotional attachment to the worlds and people in my dreams. The plotlines are real things that I’ve experienced, despite often being incredibly surreal. I still view them as being part of my real life. In a way, they feel more real than reality.

I’ll be straight up. I do think there are alternate universes out there. I do think there’s a universe out there for quite literally everything. And I do believe that my dreams take place in those universes. Of course, that isn’t to say every dream is real. I’m sure I have a number of dreams that are fake. But for me, dreaming feels like entering a new world. I take the place of the me of that universe, and I fulfill the role that they were meant to fill. Sometimes that role is incredibly dark. Actually, it usually is incredibly dark. My most recent dream last night was of someone removing my internal organs, cloning me, experimenting on me, and forcing me to live in a simulation, and then a simulation inside of a simulation. Some might look at that and say, damn, what a weird dream. They’d then move on with their lives. But for me… I look at that dream and know that it’s something incredibly important. It was real. That happened to me. Is it a past life? Is it me traveling to another universe, doing what I mentioned previously? It can be hard for me to say. Anything feels plausible, at this point. Dreams can be incredibly significant. I know that I will carry that dream with me for a very long time.

There’s also the case of dreams in which I am talking to someone, knowing full well I’m in a dream. A lot of my dreams involve trains, and in one dream, I rode the train to an abandoned station, in which I was visited by a cryptic, threatening creature that didn’t say very much, just announced its presence. Another time, a long time ago, I had recurring dreams about visiting a young boy in a playground, who was a real boy in a coma. I could only visit him when I fell asleep, so I knew I was asleep the whole dream. Who’s to say that these aren’t real people? Real people that I likely will never see again, given how my dreams tend to work. In the end, what does make something real? What makes a person real, and what makes a person fake? I think I should be allowed to consider these people real. But, again, I don’t really think this is the time to get into the nature of reality, and how I have a lot of what people would call “unreality” oriented beliefs.

I’m not sure how to explain my experiences. I’m trying the best that I can. I just… don’t know all the answers myself. I feel like I’m waiting for a big epiphany to hit, for something about the world and universe as we know it to change. Part of me thinks back to the movie I Saw the TV Glow. In that movie, two girls saw themselves on the screen, living in a completely different universe than they were living in at that moment. They were living in a simulated world, and their reality was something that those in that simulated reality would consider to be fiction. I think of how, in the beginning, everything seemed normal. It was just a show, and the two girls related a lot to the characters. But, over time, they realized that there was more to the show. That the show was truly another world. And then one of them made it back. This kicked off events that broke their perceptions of what reality truly was. So… am I strange to think that there are more realities out there? That there are more spaces in the infinite amount of universes out there for me to exist in? That I can fill a spot, live the lives of myself that I could never live in this reality? To want something to change?

Some people may look at me and call me crazy. And, yeah, I am. I literally take medication to make me less crazy. Some people may look at me and say, “I understand why you’d want to escape the world we live in! Reality is rough!” but… that’s not it either. I feel trapped, stuck here. And I wasn’t meant to be. There are places I could be, universes I could explore! …but instead I’m stuck here. And, just like one of the girls in the movie, who refused to go back to her world, I feel like I’m dying. I don’t know where home is. I don’t know where in the infinite worlds I belong. It isn’t here. I want to go home.

This thought process happens every time I have a vivid, intense dream. Normally, I don’t think about reality too much. I live my life like anyone else. But these dreams change something in me. And it drives me crazy! I get self conscious about my rambles and it hurts. I know people look at me like there’s something wrong with me, especially when I get like this, but I really can’t help it. I feel the need to apologize. I’m sorry for being the way that I am. I would change it if I could. But reality is weird. And existing is weirder.

I really, really should just be a computer.

im the video game boy im the one who wins