A Proud and Painful Oath

on dysphoria, being a system, and the jump from canon to now

hi hello! my name is leo. and gender can be very hard.

so! i have a number of spiritual fictionkintypes. i have been a cisgender man in almost all of them. there was a single time where i was a woman, yuri from angel beats, but i wouldn’t have been surprised if i was trans and just didn’t know it. i did have a single life as a trans man, memoca from wadanohara and the great blue sea, but that’s it. every other kintype i was a cisgender man. leo tsukinaga, yukihiro kamiya, tooru oikawa, gaming… i have always been a cis man. even my copinglink, chiaki morisawa, is very much drenched in being a man. so. sigh. why am i in this body lol

i know its hard when you’re trans in the first place. i mean. im literally a trans man, my system is filled with trans men and masc nonbinary people. but i experience gender in a very different way from the rest of my system. everyone else in my system is generally neutral or gender nonconforming in terms of presentation. fem presentation is normal in our sys, regardless of gender identity, and from an outside perspective we look like a woman, despite not being one. but i… am not like that at all. every time i think of the past lives where i was cis, i feel a pit in my chest. i look at pictures of me from the past and feel physically ill sometimes. because i should look like that now! but i’m a part of a system. so we have to appeal to the majority of people here. meaning i often have to experience a lot of dysphoria around everything, and not only about gender. everything down from my red hair to my green eyes to the way i dress. i should look like that now.

there’s something to say about missing your old life. i know a lot of people miss the connections they made. the people they loved. i’m… not really like that. i have nobody in particular i want to see. and maybe that makes me a jackass? but i was always kind of an asshole back in my past lives, so i mean, i guess nothing really changed there. even if i don’t miss any people in particular, i miss the role i used to play. i was a composer. a performer. an idol. i miss the office. i miss the stage. and i miss the skills i used to have. my system has a lot of idols in it. recently, we decided to try again. we all miss the stage. so, well, might as well learn to perform again? but like. i look at our plans. and i feel excited, yeah, but also. that same pit. i can be an idol again, i can sing and dance and everything… but idols are known for having a single outfit they wear. a “uniform”, if that makes sense. and, well, the others want to wear a skirt. maybeee shorts. but probably a skirt. and i… well i’m a pants guy. i can finally work to go back to where i was before, stand on that stage… but it won’t really be as me, will it? it’ll be as a generally fem presenting cute idol. that’s what everyone else is. but that’s not me.

i’m sure we’ll work it out eventually. maybe we’ll have different outfits? one specifically for me? it feels selfish to ask for, in a way. even though this is my life too, lol. we’re still working things out regarding the idol stuff, so things will definitely change a lot going forward!

i love being an idol. i love music. i love performing. and i’d like to do it as myself again.