99% of time loopers quit before they hit it big, so just keep looping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive lived a long, long time. i’ve lost a lot of people. i dont talk about it, because what is there to talk about? its fiction, right? they aren’t real, it didn’t happen. so why get worked up? if we’re talking about things in a kin sense, then there’s a possibility they’re somewhere out there in the world doing just fine. they’re alright. they’re happy. but does that erase seeing death over and over again? watching the people you love die? watching them be hurt, abused, and struggle with nothing you can do to stop it? i don’t think it does.

it was my first time experiencing a hundred days of hell. of course, back then, i wouldn’t have said it was my first time, because i didn’t know that there would be more. the 100 days turned into 200, turned into 500, multiplied further and further until i couldn’t count anymore. but no matter how many days passed, i couldn’t forget what happened to my twin brother that first go-around. we had taken in a prisoner. she had escaped, and took ima with her. for so long i was afraid. where was he? why does nobody seem to care? a festival? you’re throwing a party??? save my brother you idiots!!!!!! the amount of times i almost got up and left… i couldn’t handle it. eventually, he came back… but absorbed into an enemy commander. could he even be freed? he was alive, but he was in pain. he was being tortured. he wasn’t even conscious. we managed to get him out of there using a poison, but because of his cryptoglobin and his connection with that commander, he also took the hit. he was on the ground, dying. all i could think to myself was “i hate the sdu. you took my family from me.” yugamu told me he could fix things, though. he could put my brother back together. i wasn’t allowed in the lab, but i waited outside every day. anything yugamu needed, i would be there to help with. i dont think i had really had a friend before at the sdu. it was me and my brother. everyone tried to be nice, but i don’t think i connected with anyone else to the level i did “route 0” yugamu. one day, he told me he finished. ima would be okay. he’s alive. he’s just… different. yugamu put my brother into the robotic body of our dead commander. ima was maybe 2ft tall and shaped like an egg. but he was alive, and that was what mattered to me. no matter what he looked like, that was my big brother. and then v’ehxness took his robotic body and smashed his brain. he was gone for good. we made it to the end of the 100 days. my brother was dead. my friends were dead. takumi said he would go back. he would use his hemoanima to go back and fix things. but this ima was dead. the me that i was would never see him again. takumi left. and, somehow, so did i. i looped over and over and over. i came to love the people in the sdu. i came to hate them. i came to love them again. i watched them be happy. i watched them die. and then the 100 days would be up, and the loop would start again. some loops arent in the game as fans know it. some loops i locked myself in my room, mourning for everyone i had lost. how many times had i watched darumi die? eito? takemaru? 2nd to last defense academy? …ima? if only i could be in a world where everyone was okay. where nobody was in pain anymore. where we were away from the sdu and futurum and the trc and everyone was happy. well, im here now. we can be happy now. ima is here. eito is here. takumi, darumi, shion, tsubasa, gaku… so many of us are here. but that doesn’t make things go away. that doesn’t change the cycles i went through. somehow, even after saying all this, i feel guilty for having this trauma. i wasn’t the one who died, right? so i shouldnt be upset to this level. i shouldnt be crying. if i died, the routine would just start over. another hundred days. they didn’t have that chance. they had one. that was their timeline. if it ended for them, it was fully over. did i die? countless times. was it by my own hand? …often, yes. but i lived. i kept living. over and over and over again.

i want to be happy.

am i happy?

who knows.