Dazzling World (or “Help! My fandom thinks I’m the wrong gender and I can’t get up (because I died)!”)

spoilers for the first danganronpa game incoming! if you have no interest in danganronpa, though, feel free to read anyway! i’ll be explaining everything regardless. also, mentions of death, murder, transphobia, sexism, bullying, etc!

today, i felt like doing something that nobody has done before. i felt like, gasp, reading… fanfiction. perhaps even fanfiction… about myself? i know, i know. nobody has ever done such a difficult, revolutionary task. …ok, i know i’m being a little silly, but i did run into some…….. problems. the ship i was reading about (not sharing, who im into is between me and the millions of people who were watching us suffer in a killing game) had a rather low number of fics, especially for a popular franchise that’s over 10 years old at this point. still, i started my search for good fics. except, there was a problem. i had forgotten a very crucial aspect of this kintype.

half of the fandom thinks that i’m a girl.

well, hello! i’m chihiro fujisaki, super high school level programmer. i know, i know, a lot of people don’t say super high school level anymore. the localization said ultimate, but i just? don’t think it’s as fun as shsl! but, yes! i am a programmer! i was rather popular in the online space, and had a lot of followers who enjoyed my work, my blogging, my artwork, etc! some fans were more… dedicated than others. i have had my fair share of weirdos in my dms. but, something i’d learned over time was to basically be as kind and passive as possible. just let these things happen. i was the equivalent of an online idol, even though, again, just a programmer here! i didn’t really consider myself an influencer, though i’m sure many would disagree. unfortunately, though, i was keeping a lie from all of them. online, i was a cute girl who loved technology, programming, robotics, etc. irl, this is the person i presented myself as too. to everyone who looked at me, i was the perfect cute girl. there’s only one problem, though. i identified as a boy.

now, you might be saying, is this your personal canon? well, yes and no. in the official game canon, i am AMAB and identify as a man. in my own canon, i am FTM. either way, i am a man. headcanons are fine. i dont mind headcanons. literally, do what you want forever! unfortunately, though, people will insist their headcanons are canon. admittedly, posting about my gender is… kind of terrifying? i’m convinced people will attack me for not interpreting canon in the same way as them. but… i wanted to get this out. in canon, i said to the protagonist that i’m a man. so, i’ll say that again now, and i’ll share my story.

so! again, my name is chihiro fujisaki, and i was born as a young girl. my mother wasn’t in the picture, so it was just myself and my dad. from a young age, i was really interested in my dad’s work as a programmer. he noticed this, and taught me everything i knew. after a while, i began to play around with his programming myself, even creating my own work. instead of being mad at me for screwing around with his work, he was thrilled at my progress! the two of us began working together on projects, giving each other tips where we could. despite my talent as a programmer, a lot of my family was very against the way my dad was raising me. computers aren’t for little girls, she should be playing with dolls and stuffed animals and watching magical girls. of course, there’s nothing wrong with that for other people, but i didn’t see why my gender meant i couldn’t do the things i loved. “she needs a strong female role model” screw that! i love my dad. taichi fujisaki was the best dad a kid could ask for. every time my relatives tried to make me do things that were traditionally feminine, i hated it. i hated the dresses, i hated the dolls, i just. i hated it. i didn’t want to be a girl. i wanted to be a boy, just like my dad. over time, i started feeling more and more discomfort. i wasn’t a girl, was i? could that even be something i could change? i was very young, despite my work, and i didn’t know about the LGBT community at all. i kept these feelings inside. unfortunately, though, other people seemed to have the same views as my relatives. when i went to school, people would make fun of me for being “boyish”. i liked computers, yes, but i also wanted to become as close to a traditional “man” as possible. i tried my best in gym class, but always struggled. i would climb trees (and fall) and play in the mud. this wasn’t what anyone wanted from me, though. over time, i began to shrink more and more as the people in my class would bully me. a girl shouldn’t do these things. you’re a poor excuse for a girl. act cuter, would you?

I’M NOT A GIRL. I’M A BOY.

when i said that, everything changed for the worse. the kids got even more harsh. you could never be a boy, you’re too weak. girls can never be boys, boys are just too different. boys are cool, you’re just girly. ew, cooties! don’t let the weird girl touch you! i was ostracized by my classmates. they would tell their parents, and their parents would warn them not to hang around someone like me. eventually, it got back to my dad. he sat me down, and i was ready for him to finally get mad at me. for him to finally insult me like the other people had done. to make me be a proper girl. he asked me if i identified as a boy. i told him yes. he hugged me and told me that i was always safe with him. the outside world was harsh and unforgiving. i retreated into femininity, so that way i wouldn’t be bullied anymore. i was cute, i was pretty, i wore dresses. i wore the girl’s school uniform with “pride”. this was what everyone wanted me to be. so, it was what i would become. kind, passive, and sweet. i wasn’t weird anymore, but i still tried to distance myself from other people. i felt trapped in a cage, and i was scared. when i got home, though, the cage would unlock. i would sit down next to my dad, and the two of us would go on our computers together. he wasn’t the most traditionally masculine person, but he wanted to help me express myself where i could. he would show me action movies, sports, etc. i wanted to be like the men i saw on screen. i wanted to be strong. if i was strong, i could face the people bullying me and live as myself. i could say, screw you! i’m chihiro fujisaki, and i’m a boy! but i… i just couldn’t do it. i was a coward, after all.

eventually, i received a letter in the mail. hope’s peak high school sent me, specifically, an invitation to their school. i could attend high school as the super high school level programmer. my dad was ecstatic, and i was too. my hard work was recognized not only by my fans online, but by people with real influence. i could really do things with my abilities if i took them up on this offer. after all, graduating from kibougamine meant success for life. so i, teenage girl chihiro fujisaki, accepted their offer.

now, the killing game. i’m not going to get too much into detail with it. a lot of my memory is pregame, after all. still… there are some things i remember. i was entering a new high school. even if the circumstances, uh, weren’t the great! i had very little technology access, as we were cut off from the outside world. so, i had lost my outlet. the one bit of self expression i had: gone. just like that. well, no matter! at least i can try to make friends! nobody there knew me. i wanted them to like me. it’s just… when i was there, i met so many different people. there were some nice girls, of course, but i had always felt uncomfortable around girls. i wasn’t like them. there was something wrong with me that made me different. so, i hung around the boys. i was a boy, after all, so they were easy to talk to, even if they didn’t realize i was a boy myself. i knew that some of the girls thought i was strange, or perhaps flirtatious, but i wasn’t trying for that at all! i was just most comfortable talking to men. and, speaking of men… one of my classmates was the picture of manliness. he was strong. stronger than i could ever be. physically, yes, but he had the confidence to say what he meant. he was brave. he was loud. i wanted to be just like him. i tried my best to get close to him, and the two of us became good friends, despite the circumstances. after a while, though, i realized. hey, enough is enough. so i told him.

i’m actually a boy, so i want you to train me to become stronger.

the two of us would exercise together in secret. after all, nobody could know i was a boy. i would tell them when i was stronger. when i was braver. you might be saying, “wait. the exercise rooms are id-locked by gender, though? that’s the whole thing with the chapter you’re talking about.” and, yes! they are! but… something was strange about my id. you see, everyone’s id had a bit of information about themselves. this included gender. but… my gender was not listed as “F”, as one would expect it to be. my gender was “M”. whoever the mastermind was, they knew. someone knew my secret, and i hadn’t even told them. well. for all the bs they put us through, at least the mastermind, whoever they were, wasn’t transphobic…? regardless, i was able to enter the men’s exercise room, and only the men’s exercise room. the two of us would sit in the room for a long time, exercising, talking, and getting to know one another. i finally felt like i had a friend. unfortunately, on one night, something i said to him, um, must have struck a nerve? i know he had been going through a rough patch, especially considering the motive that we had just been faced with. my motive was, of course, the same one as in canon. the secret that i identify as a man would get out. at the time, i didn’t know his secret from the motive. despite that, even now, i feel awful about hurting him. but, what’s done is done, and without thinking, he killed me that night.

i don’t know if my mystery was solved. i don’t know if he made it out. i don’t know who the mastermind was, or what the world looked like, or anything after. what i do know is this. mondo oowada! if you are out there! this is your friend, chihiro. thank you for inspiring me to be the best man that i can be. i’m not mad at you, and i never will be. what happened isn’t your fault at all. i hope, sincerely, that us two will be able to meet again. no matter what happens, you’re a strong person. you’re brave, and i believe in you. from one man to another! i hope you’re doing alright out there! i care about you very, very much. even if your hair looks like corn. lol

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA so! that’s my story! that’s my life! and, well, that’s my gender! now, about how i feel when it comes to the transfem chihiro headcanon. personally, i can’t see it at all. it comes off to me as “person wears skirt: must be woman” which is… really uncomfortable to me? especially as someone who is currently masc nonbinary, and absolutely is not a woman, who still wears skirts. in canon, i directly say multiple times that i’m a man. the whole theme of my story is manliness and strength and being true to yourself. people telling me that i’m a woman because “a normal cis man wouldn’t pretend to be a girl to stop getting bullied for being feminine” make me feel like i’m being shoved back into a closet. i don’t want that. i really, really don’t want that. people look at the game and say the writers are being transphobic towards me by calling me a man. i don’t understand why people believe that? in canon, i am not transgender. i am a cisgender man. you can’t just… say someone is transphobic for not agreeing with your headcanon. it isn’t right. i’m a trans man chihiro. despite what i’m saying about my thoughts on the headcanon, i would not get mad at someone for viewing me as a woman, especially if it makes them feel comforted. but, still, i would really just like the same respect in turn. i would like to be able to be out as myself, as chihiro, as a man, without risking being attacked. headcanon and let headcanon (even though mine is less a headcanon, and more my literally lived experience).

so! that’s that. i feel like i, uh, stoked enough fires with this essay to heat up a whole village! but i hope you understand. i don’t want to tell fandom what to do. it isn’t my place to tell fandom what to do. they can have fun with their headcanons, with their blorbos, etc. my canon is my canon. nobody can change that. so, i stay separate. i shouldn’t be interacting with the fandom. it isn’t my place to do so. if i have any messages i’d like to convey with this essay, i guess it would be this:

you might come across a take about yourself you dislike. you might feel uncomfortable with the way fandom is treating you. that’s alright. you are allowed to feel how you feel. you’ve had your experiences. nobody can tell you your experiences are wrong. get upset, get angry, feel your feelings. but do not cross that line in the sand. the fandom is the fandom. when they look at your “source”, they see a fictional character that they can do anything with. they can ship them, they can write introspection, they can headcanon, they can do whatever! you have your world, and they have their own. your paths CAN cross, yes, but it should be done responsibly. if someone makes a headcanon about you that you view as wrong, do not go into their inbox and start telling them “uh, you got this fact about me wrong! and i’m the character, so i know this as a fact!” that is crossing the line in the sand. participate in fandom, have fun if you feel comfortable enough to do so! but remember, to the fandom, you’re a blorbo. you’re not a person. they are not talking about you when they talk about their thoughts on the character. vent in private. talk to your alterhuman friends, or those who may understand. fictionkinfessions (my beloved blog for years and years) is always open. just… don’t tell the fandom what to do as if you are an authority figure. again, you have your world, yes, but they have their own.

stay safe, friends.