a small ramble on public perception, by izumi sena

I’m a person, and I’ve had experiences. Some people view these experiences as fine, while others look at me with disgust. My memories aren’t enough to make sourcemates not hate me, and it can be rough looking at both the fandom and people I considered to be close in my past life talk about how much they loathe me. Why am I hated? Is it because of a problematic ship? Well, some would consider it problematic, while others would not. Is it because I’m, generally, a bit of an asshole in source? Well, no, because they do like other characters who are way bitchier than me. Then, why could it be that I’m hated so much?

I have borderline personality disorder, both in this life and that one, and for some reason that means I’m scum.

I’ve had mental breakdowns before. I’ve had terrible, terrible experiences because of my BPD. I’m currently getting medicated for it in this life, and honestly? It saved me. I’d consider myself fairly stable, pretty happy, and only a little bit insane. I wish that I had the medication sooner, so that I wouldn’t have had to struggle for so long, but that was then, and this is now. I’m better now, I’m working on myself, and things are okay.

This… mirrors my life as Izumi Sena. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt people. But… in both my canon, and in the official source, I was forgiven. Those I loved told me that, while I had hurt them, they could see that I was growing. We grew alongside one another. In my canon, I eventually received treatment for my plethora of mental health problems, and those I loved assisted me in my recovery. I was happy. I had a family. I had friends. I had a partner. But now… things are a bit different. It seems that, because my source is written in such a way that a large amount of my development has been lost to a Japanese-only raising simulator, fans seem to think that I am a terrible person, and that I have not been forgiven by anyone. They look at my friends, they look at my partner, they look at everyone around me, and they say “Izumi is an abuser. I hate him. They all hate him too.” When people who defend me bring up my clear borderline personality disorder, people respond with either a quick “I don’t care”, or a “He doesn’t have BPD, he’s just a yandere.” I’ve come to find comfort in the yandere label, while simultaneously loathing it. One day I’ll get into that. Eventually.

So, now what? People who don’t know my past fill in whatever they want as the “truth”, while I’m left to suffer with their wrong interpretations, if they can even be called that, of canon. I’m lucky to know many sourcemates now. They care about me, they don’t hate me, and I’m very glad to have met them. But… it still hurts seeing sourcemates say that they hate me. I know that, realistically, I’d never have spoken to many of them in the first place, and it isn’t like I have any interest in talking to them now, especially after they clearly have expressed their boundaries regarding me. But it still hurts. I don’t think anyone likes to be hated, especially by people who share a name and face with those they love. I can deal with the fandom, even though they’re annoying with their takes on me and my partner. But hearing that same thing from sourcemates? I struggle handling it.

There isn’t really a point to this “essay”, if you can even call it that. I guess what I’d like to say is… trust your memories. People might say things that contradict them, and it might hurt because you know what they’re saying is wrong. You weren’t like that. There’s nothing wrong with you. But only you know who you are. Don’t get in their face and correct them, of course. There’s boundaries that should be paid attention to. But, when you’re feeling down about the perception of yourself that others have, know that, regardless of what they think, you’re you. And you deserve respect.